Interesting articles

Horse Humor

(February 11, 2008)

The Horse Dictionary

Arena:Place where humans can take the fun out of forward motion.
Bit: Means by which a rider's every motion is transmitted to the extremely sensitive tissues of the mouth.
Bucking:Counterirritant.
Crossties: Gymnastic apparatus.
Dressage: Process by which some riders can eventually be taught to respect the bit.
Fence: Barrier that protects good grazing.
Grain: Sole virtue of domestication.
Hitching rail:Means by which to test one's strength.
Horse trailer:Mobile cave bear den.
Jump:An opportunity for self-expression.
Latch: Type of puzzle.
Longeing: Procedure for keeping a prospective rider at bay.
Owner: Human assigned responsibility for one's feeding. 
Rider: Owner overstepping its bounds.
Farrier: Disposable surrogate owner useful for acting out aggression without compromising food supply.
Trainer: Owner with mob connections. 
Veterinarian: Flightless albino vulture.

 

All I Need to Know in Life I Learned From My Horse

1. When in doubt, run far, far away.
2. You can never have too many treats.
3. Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.
4. New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.
5. Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work.
6. Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.
7. Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk. And never walk when you can stand still.
8. Heaven is eating for at least 10 hours a day... and then sleeping the rest.
10. Eat plenty of roughage.
11. Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown eyes help too.
12. When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.
13. In times of crisis, take a poop.
14. Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do.
15. Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to take the blame.
16. A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention.
17. Love those who love you back, especially if they have something good to eat.

 

Top 10 Ways You Know That Martha Stewart Has Been in Your Barnyard

10. There is a potpourri pomander hanging from each halter.
9. The horse's hooves have been cut with pinking shears.
8. The horse treats are all stored in McCoy crocks.
7. The manure fork has been decorated with raffia.
6. That telltale lemon slice in each new silver water bucket.
5. You find carrot & apple treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.
4. Mane & tail hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.
3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of each stall.
2. Your horse goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool hand knitted blanket with matching leg wraps.
1. The manure pile has been sculpted into swans.

 

Who Can Open the Gate?

This story takes you to a big pasture, filled with a lovely bunch of horses.  A question has just been asked amid the herd:  "Who Can Open the Gate?"


Lipizzan:  No need for opening it! When are you all going to learn how to fly?!!
Thoroughbred:  I don't want to mess with that gate and I am too scared of flying! I will just jump over it and leave you all behind.
Paint:  Yeah, what he said! Na Na Na Na Na Na!
Palomino:  Forget it. Count me out. I am not taking any chances of messing up my chrome!
Arabian:  You'll have to get somebody else to do it. I'm not messin' up my nails for no one!
Quarter Horse:  Maybe if I push on it with my big buns, I could open it!
Standardbred:  Pity on all of you. I'll figure it out, just give me some time.
Polo Pony:  Wait just a minute, let me get my stick and give it a few bloody wacks!
Shetland:  Let me at it. I'll break the stupid thing! Then you all can get out of my face.
Mule:  Oh, let's just pack it in and call it a day.
Saddlebred:  Now, now. I'll open it, if someone could help me with my shoes?
Fresian:  I'll do it! Do you think it will mess up my hair? I always have such good hair days.
Mustang:  Heck with opening it, how about I just run the whole darn fence over?
Belgian:  Step back! You all aren't strong enough to do it. I'll do it. Oh, but what if I break it?
Morgan:  There, there. I'll do it for you. No need to have such a big fit. Peace be with all of you. Is there anything else I could do for you after I get done with the gate?
Appaloosa:  Oh, hush all of you! Ya big bunch of sissies. No one is leaving till I say so!
Percheron:  I have already opened the gate while you all have been arguing! I even went down the next row and opened all the other gates. So it will be awhile before I have to listen to all of you argue again!

How many horses does it take to change a light bulb...?

Warmblood:   Light bulb? What light bulb?

Any foal:  The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Thoroughbred:  Just one. And he'll rewire the barn while he's at it.

Shetland pony:  I can't reach the stupid lamp.

Morgan:  Oh, oh, me, me! Pleeeze let me change the light bulb!!

Quarter Horse:  Let him do it, you can pet me while he's busy.

Trakhener:  Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

Akhal-Teke:  Zero! AT's aren't afraid of the dark!

Holsteiner: How DARE that light bulb burn out!! How DARE you ask me to change it!!  OH!! (Flouncing off)

Appaloosa:  No, don't change it. If it's dark, maybe no one will see me raiding the feed room.

Arab:  That's what we pay the help for. I'll just chew on his shirttail while he's at it.

Connemara:  We'll just be after havin' a nip of the Bushmill's, we will, and then we'll not be noticin' the light.

Andalusian:  Let the maid do it. I need to go roll in the mud.

Clydesdale:  Och, and ye'll just be usin' up the 'lectricity, ye' will, better tae use a wee bit of candle...better yet tae not waste either and just gae tae sleep when the sun gaes doon. Electiricity is verra dear.

National Show Horse (fidgeting all the while):   Lights? Lights? Where? Do you want me to pose? This is my good side...no, wait, let me get my mane straight...no wait, this angle is all wrong. No, wait, maybe this is my good side. Do you want dramatic..or bold..or maybe sensitive...?

Shire:  (Yawn) Who cares?

Cob:  Just wait till I've finished my haynet before you even consider asking me to do anything. Can't you see I'm busy?  

Tennessee Walker: (Hiccup) You're doing it all wrong (hiccup)! You have to use all four feet!

Paso Fino: Se senior. Some colored ones would be mucho better!   

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